Updated: Jul 30, 2019
wow. just like that it's been five and a half months since i've posted on here. this was honestly one of the reasons that i was hesitant to start this blog... i hate being so inconsistent with my posts. for any of you who were journeying along with me, i'm sorry for the sudden disappearing act.
since the last time i posted on here, i have changed jobs twice, had two new roommates move in, turned twenty-seven, traveled to laguna beach, went on a crazy awesome fourth of july adventure, replaced a toilet in my house - twice, went about a month with my car in the shop getting my exhaust manifold replaced, gained about fifteen pounds, and i've fallen more and more in love with my incredible boyfriend.
twenty-nineteen has been good to me, but it's been full of challenges, of course. transitioning from working remotely a few hours a day and making really great money to working from 8-5 every day making good money has been a struggle for me. i've honestly been beating myself up a bit for not utilizing that time of freedom and flexibility more. now that it's gone, i've been terrible about holding myself accountable for the goals that i set, continuing the healthy habits that i was working to create, and keeping up with my other responsibilities. i also feel like i've not been doing the best job at being grateful.
to be completely honest, i feel like i have taken a couple steps backwards this year in certain aspects of my life. especially in the area of my self-worth and security in who i am. sure, there have been a lot of changes this year, but i feel like i've tied my self-worth to those changes and whether or not i'm "succeeding" in them instead of tying it to God. if my self-worth is only based on how i feel, i will always be on this roller-coaster of "i'm enough" "i'm not enough."
when i'm feeling insecure, it manifests mostly in ugly behavior, usually towards those i love most. it's become an unfortunate habit lately, and i'm sick of acting this way. this is not who i am meant to be, not who i am capable of being... and definitely not who i want to be. there is a powerful truth that Lysa TerKeurst communicates beautifully in her book "Uninvited" that I'd like to share with you, because it really sums up the exact challenge i am currently facing.
"here's the deal... when my identity is tied to circumstances i become extremely insecure because circumstances are unpredictable and ever-changing. i rise and fall with successes and failures. i feel treasured when complimented but tormented when criticized.... it's time to stop the lies and devastating hurt stemming from this kind of circumstantial identity. we must tie our identities to our unchanging, unflinching, unyielding, undeniably good, and unquestionably loving God."
and that is exactly what i plan to do. this is the journey that i am currently on, friends. i intend to be vulnerable with you all as i take it all day by day. there will be successes and failures along the way, but my ultimate goal is to find and tie my identity in God at the deepest, core level of my soul. i am no longer willing to be an unhappy roller-coaster rider hurting those i love every time i'm suddenly speeding down an unexpected hill or an unpredictable loop. thank you for your patience and participation along the way.
as always, if there is anything that i can be doing to encourage you, please let me know! you can comment below or send me an email to firstname.lastname@example.org.