have you ever looked in the mirror and realized that you're not the person you thought you'd be? whether that came from a mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, situational, or relational standard... did you ever realize that your expectation and reality didn't match up? i think there is definitely something to be said of looking at who you are with complete honesty as you are searching for your purpose. that, in my opinion, is a huge part of maturity and growth: self-awareness. but what about after that? what about after you've heard your calling? you know who you're supposed to see when you take a good, hard look at who you are... and you're not that person.

i think being kind to yourself is one of the most graceful things that you can do, but sometimes you need a freaking kick in the pants. this is one of those times.

God has asked me to be a woman of strength, grace, humility, power, and servant leadership. He has asked me to be a woman who can empathize with and lead other women; someone who understands their battles, their wounds, their insecurities, their spirits, and their hearts. He asked me to care for them when they look, feel, and act ugly. He asked me to challenge them when they become complacent and lose their way. He asked me to celebrate their victories with them and build them up! He asked me to do something that for the most part feels impossible to me, because some of my biggest wounds and insecurities have to do with other women. and... He did it all on purpose. because HE can overcome everything that i cannot.

i have known what my "calling" is for two or three years now. and rather than embrace what He has asked me to do, i have spent the majority of the last few years focused on one woman only... myself. when i look in the mirror right now i see every bad decision, every physical insecurity, every character flaw, and every opportunity that i don't want to embrace. i see my fears, the lies that i chose to believe, all reflected out in well calculated attacks. and i know this is not the woman that i am meant to be.

i need to go back to one of the most beautiful challenges that i have ever embraced. in her book Uninvited, Lysa TerKeurst asks three things... 1. is God good? 2. is God good to me? 3. do i trust God to be God/is God good at being God? when i stop and reflect on these three simple truths - YES, God is good. YES, God is good to me. YES, God is good at being God and i trust him to be God - then i remember that surrendering to His perfect plan and letting Him work through me is THE ONLY WAY to be the woman He created me to be.

mentally, emotionally, and physically i've got a lot of work to do. but i can't do it until i get right with God. i need to eat right, work out, read, write, and spend time with my community. but step one is God, guys, it's always God. because He can overcome all of my fears and failures, and His power is made perfect through my weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9, right?)

this is simply an acknowledgment... i got off track, friends, in almost every area of my life. but i see it. i see my deviations and my compromises. and i see my way back. i also see my growth, and i'm sure after time i'll see the purpose of this challenging time in my life. this is also a commitment. to God, to my community, and to myself to continue fighting to be ME. the very best version of myself, the one that God asked me to be. if i can encourage you along the way, please reach out! i can't promise perfection (clearly), but i can promise honesty, openness, and a whole lot of hope.

kortney alacyn

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